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Time to die |
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posted by
splush
18:05:05
1:27am
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OK, I stopped updating ages ago because I thought the blogs were disapearing, but they never did. Now I notice other people saying goodbye so maybe they know something I don't and blog demolition is imminent? Who can say?
Anyway, I guess this is my last update, thanks to anyone who has read this, I've enjoyed writing it very much. I haven't done the normal blog thing of talking about myself much just because hardly any of you know me, and I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to read about my mundane (but pleasant!) life. I'm going to be writing articles for weebl's stuff once the new site launches (fourth quarter 2007 is my estimate), I don't know exactly what sort of articles or how frequently, but hopefully they will be humerous, and maybe I'll try writing more cartoons (which will be deadly serious).
Oh man, I know I don't write about my boring private life but my sister just came home with a man and he apparently isn't just staying for coffee! Ew! Gross! And so on...I guess that's somebody else's boring private life so I might get away with it.
I'm fairly sure my life right now is the best it's ever been, which apparently makes for boring blogging, so I won't talk about it (any more).
Bye! |
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Tiles gleam! |
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posted by
splush
30:03:05
2:34pm
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So, fake blogs are all the rage, you say? You think I'm going to let another surfire comedy train roll through town without sticking a Splush-shaped carriage on the end? Not on my watch, Jankowski!
12/03/05 - 06:21 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | redefining the term 'pumped' ]
[music | asia - sole survivor ]
Fellas, it is only just starting to dawn on me how truly awesome Cillit Bang really is! the Bang movement just doesn't stop rollin', world domination here I come! Good thing i've kept fastidious 'enemy' and 'friend' lists over the years so that when I am crowned king of the cleaning world i will know exactly who to smite and who to invite round to dinner parties with me and Margo who will have seen the error of her ways and married me. i might even be so famous and succesful that i wont even take her back! i'll let her stay with that cocky dickbag Gary in his semi-detached temple to poor hygiene. Lists are utterly wicked guys, i reccomend them wholeheartedly. check out this to-do list i've been writing:
-invent new line of specialised Cillit products, including (BUT NOT LIMITED TO) Cillit Contact Lens Cleaner, Cillit Deodorant, Cillit Deodorant for ladies, Cillit Fang (basically Bang in a vampire-themed bottle for stain-free halloween fun), Cillit Enema Kits, Cillit Toothpaste and so on.
-get patents on all the above.
-ask michael winner to do a cameo in the next advert, that guy is funnier than a bag of angry cats!
-buy more albums by Asia and Des'ree. definately not greatest hits albums because those are for small timers who don't know how to play ball with the big fish in the real world.
-write autobiography up to (and including) 2004 to save time in the future - time which will be better spent on my yacht with Margo and our beautiful kids, Barry Jr. and Barretta.
-contact Clive Owen regarding preliminary talks for movie version of the autobiography. Avoid casting female lead for as long as possible because Angelina Jolie will doubtless me old and rough by the time we get round to shooting this badboy.
9/03/05 - 09:40 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | rambunctious ]
[music | journey - lovin' touchin' squeezin' ]
OH NO YOU DI'INT YOU FROTHY COW! Yep that's right i'm talking to you: the person who is spreading foul anti-Bang propaganda with the aid of the all-too-willing BBC! And what the jeez are Reckitt Benckiser doing apologising for that shit? christ in a satchel! If you can find any fucking thing that Cillit Bang cannot remove stains from then it is the fault of the thing, not the bang. Get a new oven you filthy diseased whore then come crawling back to Barry when you find that Cillit Bang makes it good as new. I guess it would actually be new but you get my drift, slag. Oh hang on a minute I misread it. apologies, future loyal customer!
7/03/05 - 04:12 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | bummed out]
[music | REO speedwagon - ridin' the storm out]
it's not that Cillit Bang ain't going great because, guys, believe me - IT IS - but somehow i'm just not happy. i still remember six months ago in Dr Whiting's office when we were chatting about what had happened between me and Margo... we decided i needed to move on and find something else to fill the gap she'd left in my life. it was obvious, aside from Margo the only thing i'd ever cared for was the complete and shitting total fucking annihilation of stains on glass, metal, ceramic and even stone. maybe the doc was right about me taking too much on at onc. "Barry!" she said, "nobody can launch a new multi-surface cleaner - potent as yours is - in the Cif-dominated market in only six months!". You know, she really should have practiced what she preached when it came to positivity. anyway guys the point is i can't help feeling that i've put all my eggs in one basket, and if that basket breaks i'm going to break with it. you could say i'd be a basket case ha ha! lol!
5/03/05 - 16:09 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | full of beans]
[music | poison - something to believe in]
JESUS CHRIST GUYS you will NEVER guess what i dipped in a vat of Cillit Bang now! i was walking my dog Casper next to the town dump as usual when we came across this completely amazing car somebody had just left beside the bloody road. after a while i figured out that the reason the guy dumped it was rust! isn't that cute?? it's a totally pre-Cillit Bang paradigm! Well, that would be a challenge for some household cleaners (*cough* cif), but not Cillit Bang! One crane and a swimming pool full of Bang later and, well, let's just say the Suzuki Swift Owners' Club of Great Britain has one new (rather famous and sexy) member!!
2/03/05 - 01:32 - Barry Scott wrote:
[mood | totally pumped!]
[music | pat benetar - we belong]
what's up, guys? sorry i havent updated in a while but you know things have been pretty hectic (TO PUT IT MILDLY!!!) since the Cillit Bang adverts hit the airwaves! not only am i raking in some serious pennies (which i clean individually in a needlessly large vat of Cillit Bang!) but i have this overwhelming feeling that the world is just cleaner, and the common man no longer lives in fear of limescale, rust and ground-in dirt. Later guys. Oh by the way, check out the sweet website that Reckitt Benckiser cooked up! It is, in no small amount, wicked. |
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Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is! |
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posted by
splush
25:03:05
5:55pm
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Have you seen "The Machinist"? I really think you ought to. Christian Bale is one of my favourite actors (despite being forever typecast in my head as Patrick Bateman) and films about people teetering on the brink of insanity never fail to amuse me. Bale plays an insomniac machine operator who...well I can't really tell you, but it's a rare film that manages to build an increasingly disorienting and unsettling plot and then wrap it up satisfyingly in the last five minutes. It's reminiscent of a few recent sickeningly trendy cult films such as Pi, Fight Club and Memento, with music Hitchcock would have been proud to commission and more than a couple references to Psycho. With so many similarities to other films it does feel quite derivative at times, and the dialogue is occasionally quite weak, but overall it will more than satisfy fans of dark, noir-ish schizophrenic films. Perhaps the most disturbing thing in the film was Bale's physique, he apparently lost 4 stone for the role and resembles the granny-bothering monster from the "Come to Daddy" video.
Did you see "Somersault"? Maybe you shouldn't bother. It won a barrage of awards from the Asutralian Film Institute but I really found it quite empty. Somewhat duplicitously I actually really enjoyed watching it, it's thouroughly watchable and the lead actors are convincing, but it didn't really stick with me after I left the cinema. Actually, no, one thing did stick with me; the soundtrack by Decoder Ring is fantastic. I'd never before had to go and buy a soundtrack the day after seeing a film, but the ambient post-rock antics available here are just what I've been looking for recently.
While I'm banging on about films, I note that previous Splush favourite "Dead Man's Shoes" is out on DVD now. Best British film of last year or your money back.
Did you hear about this? Now, I like Nas - Illmatic is a classic album - but this is just silly. I heard Nas on the radio saying that he doesn't approve of guns, his crew has grown out of carrying guns, and he himself hasn't been caught (whaaa?) with a gun for years. Ok that's nice, but what that BBC article doesn't seem to tell you the shots were fired after Nas finished his song Got Yourself a Gun and asked the crowd to "put your guns in the air". I am befuddled.
Good day, sirs. |
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The educated whale who thinks he's better than you. |
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posted by
splush
1:03:05
2:56am
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The cynical reader might suggest that I spent the two and a half months since my last update simply drinking and avoiding work. While there may be a grain of truth to this, the majority of my absence was in fact spent tutoring myself in the noble science of astrology. For the uninitiated, astrology is the practice of understanding and predicting events on earth (our planet) based on observations of the positions of stuff and things in the night sky (other planets, for instance). Astrologists have long been plagued by constant criticism from the misguided followers of "empiricism", but things are set to change; with recent support from high-profile celebrity astrology fans such as Brett Bloomfield (of Starship) and Mark Morgan (also of Starship) it's safe to say that astrologists will be the true stars of 2005.
Still not convinced? Marvel as I flex my stargazing muscle and inform you exactly what you will do in the month of March, with terrifying accuracy:
Aries: I know you are naturally assertive and competitive, but maybe you should chill out before your friends start avoiding you? It's not all bad this month, you might even get some free shortbread.
Taurus: Avoid china shops in March - buy all your china online. Remember to pay extra for secure shipping.
Taurine: Contrary to popular belief, you did not come from the imagination of an advertising executive who wanted to make Red Bull sound scientific - you play a major role in human metabolism, mainly digestion. You will spend all of March helping some guy digest stuff.
Gemini: You were an ill-fated early '90s male pop duo and probably ended up working in a bank or some similarly tedious thing, I don't know. The moon is travelling along the ascendant and I'm fairly sure that means you will have a shitty month. No change there, eh? You will listen to the one record you made in the hopes of cheering yourselves up with memories of the good old days. You did it guys, you lived the dream! Unfortunately you will both end up horribly depressed, wasted on Lambrini and wanking each other off, and I imagine it's going to be pretty awkward afterwards. If you want to lighten the mood the morning after I suggest saying something to the effect of: "Yeah that mutual masturbation was pretty homosexual, but not half as homosexual as drinking Lambrini! Ha ha! That is really gay!".
Cancer: Cancer is of course the best star sign, and I myself am blessed to be one. I was born on the 29th of June which often coincided with the start of the summer holidays when I was at school. That was pretty nifty. Alice Cooper was pretty fucking upbeat about the start of the summer holidays but he can't even imagine the joy which that day brought me. If you made a bootleg mix of "School's Out" and "Dragostea Din Tei" by O-zone you would have a fairly good approximation of the elation I felt. It would technically be noise terrorism under E.U. law but those suits in Brussels just don't understand the kids, man. Famous Cancers include Pamela Anderson, Tom Cruise and Testicular.
Spartacus: The Splinter star is rising in the plane of Shredder and you will start a slave rebellion accordingly. It will go pretty well at first but inevitably fail. Just what did you expect? A lot of people will claim to be you at once in a bizarre bid to confuse your pursuers - this will essentially go extremely badly but result in a very memorable scene.
Lion-O: You'll break The Eye of Thundera and have to get it repaired. Mumm-ra will choose this moment to attack you, killing you with ease. Not a great month overall.
Snarf: During March you will begin to realise how horrifying your physical appearance truly is: half cat, half lizard, all abomination. You will stay indoors all month to avoid inflicting your ghastly self on the general public. It's not all bad news though: you will use your time indoors to write your first novel! Unfortunately, the novel will be shit. On second thought it really is all bad news, sorry to get your hopes up.
Virgo: Against your better judgement you will enter the DMC DJ championships. Your set will consist of you playing "Hopping Mad" by Jive Bunny in its entirety while vaguely pretending to mix. To your surprise you will breeze through the regional and national stages, making it to the world finals where you will come in 2nd to a Malaysian competitor called DJ Frump. How you will manage to do all this in the month of March is beyond me.
Libra: You won't do anything very interesting in March because you are basically quite dull. You will go to get your hair cut in a bid to spice up your image but you will be disappointed with the results. When the hairdresser is finished they will hold up the mirror behind you and you will cock your head and make approving noises. You will not voice your displeasure because, primarily, you are meek. It's fine though, nobody ever does. The stars would have told me if anyone did.
Scorpio: I read that the body part associated with Scorpios is the genitals! Ha ha! In March you will do stuff and things.
Ophiuchus: You don't even know what Ophiucus is you loser! I don't either, but the Internet (which I just happen to have access to, ladies) tells me that the problem of Ophiuchus is "one of the most contentious issues in modern astrology" so that's exciting. In March everybody under the sign of Ophiucus will win something. Some of you will win the lottery, some of you will win a car, and some of you will win a box of shortbread at a charity raffle. Unfortunately all of the shortbread winning Ophiucuses will be at the same charity raffle and people will get very suspicious when seven people each have the same winning ticket. You will each just get bored of the bickering that ensues and just leave without the shortbread. Eventually some undeserving Aries cretin will get it. The stars can be fucked up like that.
Sagittarius: Your friend Dan will convince you to join him in making a stunts & pranks show in the vein of Jackass. He will pitch it to you as "EXXXTREME IDIOCY ANTHOLOGY: EXTREME" and you will naturally be sold on the idea. Work will begin with a section of the show entitled "THESE AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S SKATEBOARDING ACCIDENTS!" in which you skateboard nude into a vat of angry scorpions accompanied by popular American punk songs. Tragically, production comes to an abrupt halt when you accidentally crush Dan's head with a pneumatic drill while filming power-tool based pranks. It's probably for the best.
Capricorn: You will accidentally go to a techno club despite the fact you are really more of a smooth jazz kind of goat. After sitting on an uncomfortable (but fashionable) seat drinking a £3 bottle of Grolsch for 20 minutes you will suddenly realise that techno happens to be the greatest music ever created. This is because 20 minutes is the exact length of exposure an individual requires to achieve this inevitable epiphany. Unfortunately, however, the spell will break upon any brief cessation of said techno and you will have to start again from scratch - a fact you are sad to discover while returning from a trip to the toilets. Fortunately for you there is a shortcut to bypass the waiting period and be fast-tracked back to techno bliss, and it can be appropriated from the gentleman standing in the corner wearing a Puffa jacket. Other (less important) things that will happen to you in March include an unexpected tax refund, going to see a musical during the performance of which the lead actor dies hilariously, and a bout of the supposedly extinct respiratory disease Diphtheria from which you will never recover.
Aquarius: Have you seen the episode of The Outer Limits where these two men gradually start to notice their girlfriends tasting unpleasant and at the end it turns out the girlfriends are actually these horrible mud monsters using mind control to fool the men? They're well intentioned monsters, but they just can't seem to keep up their mind control spells long enough to keep men. Have you seen it? Well you'll be seeing it ingoing to see it in March. I'm sorry if I spoiled the ending but it's probably still worth watching, you won't have anything more important to be doing at the time anyway.
Pisces: You should be feeling pretty good about your choices this Month. Speak up and share your ideas with people you feel have similar vision. Change can be good, so don't hide from the inevitable. Embrace new beginnings and you will excel. Furthermore, you will invent a drinking game to be played while watching Newsnight. The rules of this game will be so complicated that even Jeremy Paxman would struggle to keep up. Fortunately Jeremy isn't playing - you are playing alone and you win every time. High five! No, wait, you'd need companionship for that. |
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This is pretty much the worst video ever made. |
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posted by
splush
17:12:04
6:02pm
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Huzzah! My big ugly sociology essay is in and the holiday has officially started. Shortly I kick off four boozy weeks of antics (including an brief, almost mocking, nod to Jesus) while I try and forget that I have exams coming up. But right now, I'm going to tell you about films. There's been an unusually mighty concourse of quality films cramming themselves into my weary eyes and ears recently, bringing joy bridled only by the repetition of the Verne Troyer Orange advert. Come back Alan Cumming, all is forgiven.
Garden State - This is the first feature film written and directed by Zach Braff from Scrubs. While it has little in common with Scrubs, there are some glaring similarities to Lost in Translation, and most likely critics of Coppola's slushy-but-pretty debut will find the same faults in Braff's. Not being a mean-spirited monster, I rather loved Lost in Translation, and accordingly I liked Garden State a lot. It shares the two damaged main characters who meet each other by chance and ingeniously fix each other with the power of unconventional against-the-clock romancin', it shares heavy-handed and starkly obvious metaphors which somehow never seem embarrasing, and despite suburban New Jersey's clear visual inferiority to Tokyo, it even shares some beautiful cinematography. While I didn't really care about the characters as much as Lost in Translation forced me to, I personally related a lot to the trials the protagonist was facing. Some of the conclusions Zach Braff's character seemed to reach by the end of the film genuinely felt quite profound to me, inducing slight emotional anxiety as I left the cinema. The film's pacing is really perfect, managing to give an essentially quiet and reflective story a lot of energy, a testement to Braff's accomplished first-time directorial performance.
In an interview Braff talked about the growing gap between childhood and adulthood, a new stage in life which maybe didn't exist, say, 20 years ago. I think he covered that beautifully with his film, even though those looking for any genuinely challenging social commentary will likely be dissapointed. So, like Lost in Translation, either you will connect with it and embrace it or you will remain disengaged and leave the cinema with the foul taste of needlessly slushy, pseudo-philosophical, exploitative nonsense tainting your movie mouth.
Additionally, you might complain that the soundtrack isn't half as good as Braff thinks it is, and you'd be right. But hey, at least Natalie Portman wasn't shit.
Napoleon Dynamite - Yeah, I saw this film's name in the listings and naturally assumed I was going to see the most horribly innacurate historical drama since Troy, but I was most pleasingly wrong. This is a film by some people I certainly hadn't heard of, starring nobody very important, and it's awesome. Indeed, you may be incapacitated with awe, in italics. It's about a nerd and his nerdy brother in a small Idaho town, a wonderfully stereotypical setting for some thoroughly stereotypical nerdity and a healthy amount of nerdy overacting. The extremes of the stereotypes make for characters so unbelievable that the story can present the audience with increasingly absurd (and hilarious) events without fear of breaking any connection. Some people seemed to find some deep meaning in Napoleon Dynamite, I couldn't really see anything past the glorious onslaught of antics. I just know I left with a positive feeling of...something, and knowing I'd been well entertained by some comedy which felt refreshingly different to most of today's alternative comedy films. Go and see it, love it, then buy a t-shirt.
Napoleon Dynamite features high school class president elections, aren't those the weirdest things? The idea of my old schoomates filling an auditorium to listen to their peers give campaign speeches (and performs skits! What the fuck?) is so absurd to my miserable British mindset. I understand that the traditional Hollywood representation must differ a lot from the reality of American high schools, but if it's even slightly accurate then you guys really are bizarrely positive and enthusiastic, and I think that's really cool. Maybe they just go because it gets them out of classes? Well, never mind.
I Heart Huckabees - This film is great because it's like a trap. It doesn't it traps you into thinking it's a bad historical drama, but it traps people who expect to see a challenging existential exploration with intelligent humour and makes them watch a grand farce with the silliest humour you'll find at a cinema, and it makes them enjoy it. Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin are perfect as the husband and wife existential detective team which Jason Scwartzman seeks to try and explain some coincidences he's recently encountered. We meet the team's other clients, and a sneaky rival detective, under a confused barrage of philisophical morsels which never really amount to a full existential meal. Jude Law is a fine choice for a thoroughly unlikable and ruthless businessman, Mark Wahlberg seems genuinely exasperated as he battles questions his philisophical allegiances, and Naomi Watts is cuter than logic could account for when she's dressed like an Amish person. The sillyness is perhaps stretched too thinly by the end of the film, and it's not the surefire comedic hit that Napoleon Dynamite, but the film is still enjoyable original and surprising.
That's enough film reviews for now, yes? Personally I think it's been a good year, Dead Man's Shoes is probably my pick of the year, Kontroll was also up there, and I adored Hero. I wonder if Hero can reasonably be considered as a 2004 film? Can't forget that House of Flying Daggers is out in a week, and the trailer is beautiful, despite the Enya. Oooh, so many films, so little time. Wait, I just remembered I saw the last 30 minutes of The Fast and the Furious on TV the other day and can review it very briefly: it is x-treem and in my face and I can confirm that those are not your daddy's drag racers.
Bye! |
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Random Link: |
Nebulus
Flash verion of fantastic C64 game |
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